Have you ever been in a state of transition and lost who you were? Lost your sense of identity? This is what Cherise is experiencing now …
Cherise got excited when she heard Jonathan’s car pull up. She had good news to share with him. She finally felt ready to transition to classes on campus. She’d made the arrangements just that morning. It would be another step toward regaining normalcy in her life again. She had left Diamond in the nursery with Miriam and she was glad to spend some free time with Jon.
It seemed as if it had been so long since they had enjoyed private time. She had just gotten to the top of the bottom set of the steps before she heard the door of his study close behind him. Although the door had closed with a click, it could have been just as loud as a slam with the affect it had on her. She paused mid-step and tried to remember if there had ever been a time that he had entered into the house without announcing he was home. It had been their custom ever since she had known him. The immediate angst that surrounded her heart slowed it to a mere shadow of its normal beat as the feelings of dread weighed down upon her. It wasn’t just that evening of course, it was the weeks that had gone by without any substantive communication. He was working a lot and even when he was with her, he was distant, as if his mind was somewhere else.
Her radar began to siren in her head and her trust began to waiver. She tried to shut down the whispers in her mind that were now telling her he had tired of her, that he had secrets that didn’t include her, but she couldn’t. All she could feel resonating within was a hint of betrayal even when she wasn’t sure why. Something was changing and the saddest part of all was the fact that she knew she was powerless to do anything about it.
So she turned around and went toward the kitchen and made herself a cup of green tea as she considered what to do. Things had changed so much in the months since she’d come to live with Jonathan. It had been a whirlwind of events, and now as she sat with her cheek resting in her elbow raised hand, she for the first time in a long while contemplated what her future beheld. Who was she and who had she become? She was Diamond’s mother and now Jonathan’s wife, but who else?
She used to be a student with plans of entering the business world. Then she became a rape victim-then a woman rescued. But who, now that the crisis was over? She couldn’t help but to believe the incessant whispers that convinced her long ago that she was unlovable–that sooner or later the people that came into her life would only take up temporary residence before leaving. Maybe this was where she was in her journey with Jonathan.
Warm tears slid down her cheeks and she tried in vain to wipe the evidence of them away. The last thing she needed was Jon to find her sitting at the table, once again a woman in distress, once again a person in need of rescue. She would have to figure out once and for all how to rescue herself, because the last thing she was going to be again was someone left abandoned and alone—not when Diamond was depending on her to make things safe. She owed it to her to figure things out regardless of whether Jonathan was going to remain in her life or not.